Many queer people grow up with a sense that they must prove themselves to the people in their lives to be deserving of love.

In adulthood, this manifests in people-pleasing behaviour, where we cast aside our needs and desires for the comfort of the people around us.It can manifest in the big things – undermining your own needs or making yourself uncomfortable in romantic relationships and friendships – or the little things, such as staying at an event longer than you want to, just because your friend would be sad if you left early.This can be very draining and learning to set boundaries can be very difficult.

But we are now adults with the capacity to learn and heal from our emotional history.

Here’s what you can do about it and learn to be your authentic self. →

‍

1. Over time, we can start to be insecure about our partner’s commitment to us in a relationship.

Same-sex relationships are also complicated in that the partnership can start to feel like a competition: we might think that we’re not as attractive as our partner. We might feel both envy and jealousy when they receive attention from others. Bisexual folks might also think that their queer identity is not taken seriously.

The growing lack of physical or sexual intimacy might start to worry us, too. And so, we might begin to question their loyalty or their love.

‍

2. These insecurities can fester, and deeply affect our relationship.

Our anxiety and jealous thoughts might also lead us to act irrationally. We might even invade our partner's privacy, like snooping through their  phone or checking their social media history.

Some of us might even try to control who they meet or where they go, or get upset when they head to a party without us as we worry who they might flirt with. We can begin to criticise our partner, or even start speaking them with contempt.

‍

3. We can start by understanding that these insecurities come from a place of fear.

We're afraid of losing them. And perhaps, deep down, we might even think that we’re not good enough for them.

Many of us grew up with toxic shame. We might have been led to believe that we’re unworthy, or we failed those around us simply by being who we are. These years of conditioning can fuel negative inner self-talk, compounded with a nagging anxiety that something is bound to go wrong.

‍

4. Self-awareness can help us understand our triggers and stop us from spiralling in anxiety.

Our fears can fuel an overactive imagination. So the next time we find ourselves overanalysing an action or behaviour, we can learn to 'catch' these unhelpful negative thoughts. For example, if our partner doesn't respond to our text right away, a negative automatic thought might appear: "They're cheating on us" or "They don't care enough to reply." But at that moment, we can ask ourselves: "Is the story in my head grounded in reality, or am I reacting from a painful emotional history?"

‍

“Insecurities in Relationships” is one of the guided therapy programs available in our private beta.

Designed with leading LGBTQIA+ psychotherapists, Voda combines mindfulness with cognitive behavioural therapy to develop digital therapy programs centred for the LGBTQIA+ community.

Get early access at Voda.co.

‍

‍