Heartstopper star Kit Connor felt compelled to come out as bisexual on Twitter yesterday, citing pressures from fans making him feel forced to come out when he wasn't ready to.

In the LGBTQ+ community's push for greater media representation, biphobia and a sense of entitlement to other people’s personal lives is showing.

‍

Here are 3 thoughts from our team, and 3 lessons we can learn from this.

‍

1. This debacle arose from misguided intentions.

The push for representation of queer people across all industries is exciting for us. We grew up in times when there was no positive representation of LGBTQ+ people on the big screen, and so now, rightfully, we're demanding it.

The queer characters we’ve seen on screen have also often been played by straight actors. Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci acted in one of my favorite LGBTQ+ films, Supernova (2020), but were heavily criticised as straight actors playing gay characters. I had mixed reactions to those criticisms, as I found both actors to be excellent and compelling, yet, I understand that there have probably been numerous LGBTQ+ actors who have been cast aside for their identity.

For Heartstopper, accusations of queerbaiting of a similar nature were thrown at actors who hadn’t publicly come out, such as Kit Connor, as people expected the titular character to also be LGBTQ+ in real life. 

People want more LGBTQ+ representation. Though this is a good intention, this can result in pressure on individuals to come out, manifesting in a very entitled and toxic manner and accusing people of ‘queerbaiting’. 

‍

2. People feel entitled to other people's personal lives.

People seem to expect public figures to have little to no privacy. Some might say it comes with the territory of being a public figure, but at the same time that reveals an entitlement, that certain people 'owe' their privacy to you.

Just because someone is a public figure doesn't mean that they lose their right to their privacy. 

Fans often feel entitled to information about celebrities’ personal lives. They might dig into the past, look into song lyrics, or analyse paparazzi photos, to try to figure out whether a celebrity is queer.

But no one should feel pressure or forced to out themselves, which is what happened to Kit Connor. 

The show Heartstopper was about having the space to explore and learn who you are, without necessarily having to label yourself or put yourself in boxes. People should not feel pressured to label themselves for others’ sake. Note that Kit is also very young, at just the age of 18. Some of us might have figured out our identities from a young age, but many also take years to figure out who they are. Even then, our identities can be fluid as we explore different expressions of our gender, our sexuality and the types of relationships we’d like to have.

‍

3. Bisexuality is misunderstood and biphobia is still common, even within the queer commmunity. 

Many people seem to misunderstand bisexuality, resulting in micro-aggressions. 

Our community often upholds certain stereotypes about bi people. Perhaps they are going through a phase, or might favour straight-passing relationships over queer relationships.

My teammate Claire (who identifies as bi) mentioned to me how once in the queue for a popular queer venue in London, the person in front of her said, “I love this venue, because it’s for real people, not bisexuals. It feels genuinely queer.”

Many bisexual women like Claire might feel excluded from their own community, finding it disheartening that many people say they wouldn’t date a bisexual because of their proximity to men, or being called a “tourist”, or having to explain their dating history to prove that they’re queer. 

Gay men also often assume bisexual men are "gays who are just not ready to come out yet". Ironically, for myself, when I first came out to a small group of friends when I was also 18, I came out as bisexual (I'm not), because I found that identifying as bisexual somehow softened the blow. 

I had not yet dealt with my own internalised gay shame. Many gay men with similar experiences assume bisexual men are just one foot out of the closet.

But the thing is, everyone defines their own queerness differently. Oftentimes, we project from our experiences, and these projections can manifest as biphobia.

‍

3 lessons to learn.

‍

1. Continue to push for greater LGBTQ+ representation.

We can push for greater media representation for LGBTQ+ TV shows and movies to be made, and for LGBTQ+ actors to be cast in those roles.

‍

2. At the same time, we can also stop pressuring people to come out.

But can push for these greater representation without pressuring people to come out.

Can queerbaiting exist? Yes. Most commonly, it exists when brands or companies try to market themselves as LGBTQ+ friendly, when they are really not. Do they have a rainbow logo up during Pride, but perhaps have trans-exclusionary policies? That’s not cool.

But can accusations of queerbaiting harmful and detrimental to our overall cause? Also yes. Specifically, the discourse around queerbaiting can be harmful when it is directed towards individuals instead of organisations, because it underpins a flawed notion that people are entitled to information about other people’s sexuality or gender identity.

You might believe your curiosity to be innocuous, but repeated pressures and intrusive questions when someone has expressed discomfort is a toxic behaviour.

No one is obliged to answer to someone else on their sexuality or gender, whether we decide to disclose our queer identity (or not) is our prerogative.

‍

3. Learn that you don't have to understand someone's lived experience to accept them. 

We often project from our limited live experiences.

As a cis gay man, I would never truly know what it means to be trans, or to be a woman, or to be straight or bisexual. 

But we don't have to fully understand someone to fully respect their lived existence.

This is what the LGBTQIA+ community has been fighting for this whole time in our heteronormative and cisnormative world.

‍